I make myself sit still to
write, to think, to feel
who you were to me all
those years ago when
I was a lost child with
emotions too large for my
body and no place to store
them until I could understand.
You gave me a space to be
honest and verbose and lost
in safety. Lost
in arms always open.
Lost in love with no
conditions.
You gave me the country and
tick checks and canoeing
the Finley with the children
everyone thought were the reason,
your children, a year above and
below me, who provided cover
for my true purpose — to be held
to your bosom, to be mothered.
Hearing you died landed as
an anvil. Despite the memory
you had already released and the
hospice and the impending
truth I knew would come, still,
knowing that for the first time
in my life I was on the earth
without you forged iron grief.
Before I knew you, you were
here. After we moved away, you
were here. And during those sacred
years of blooming in a sanctuary
you built for me, you were
here, always here. And now
I’m here without you, and
I feel a little lost. Not sure
what to write, what to
think, what to feel.
Nothing has changed.
You lived your life there,
and I lived my life here. We
stopped being daily parts of
each other decades past.
No, nothing has changed, but
it didn’t need to. Because
you loved me enough in two
years to last a lifetime, and that
changed everything for me,
how I understood love and
the world and my space in it.
Everything changed when
you loved me back to myself.
Tag: Spirituality
Myrtle Dance
The night before the full
moon, I make plans. A
Beltane fire will be lit, wine,
the remembrance of
the light within and
a solemn bow to all that
grows and causes
growth.
I will journal and cut
cords, chant harm ye
none under my breath,
simmer cinnamon and
cloves, rosemary and orange
in a cast iron pot to
invoke health, prosperity,
and all goodness.
I will sing to the moon,
inviting the crepe myrtles I
prune and water
during the day to
recognize me in this
new light. I will get
tipsy on the wine, perhaps
even dance round the
myrtles believing they
dance with me.
I will charge my crystals
and myself under the light
of the grandmother.
The dewy night will feel
strange on my skin until
I remember I belong to it.
My wife looks up from her
iPad just long enough
to remind me that our
godson’s birthday dinner is
tomorrow night.
The wine will save.
The moon will understand.
The myrtles may still dance though.
Fresh Air
I feel a little sorry for people who never had
to come out,
who never needed to hold
a central fact of their very being as
a blood-oath between their future
and their past,
who never got to
learn the myriad twitchy codes that
taught one to discern who among them
was safe.
Those who never had the chance
to navigate the waters where family
got smaller,
and thus,
never entered the land with just one
law — you get to build your own.
Even as I write this, I hear
the plaintive wails of straight women,
“Oh, I know the codes, sugar” and cishet
men, “I got kicked out of the house at
18; all I know is a chosen family.”
And so I ask to them and you alike:
Have you come out?
Thrown off the mantle of the mask and
announced your authenticity to some you
fear you’ll lose?
Have you
put everything on the line in exchange for
answering the plea of your heart to live
honestly? To show up
openly? To be free?
I hope so that for you,
whoever you are stumbling
on these lines.
I hope so, that, for you.
For I feel sorry for the people
who never get to come out.
Conversion Blues
In the almost 40+ years I’ve been deconstructing my inherited faith and discovering a lived and meaningful spirituality, I’ve known a shit-ton of people. Each of those people brought a unique perspective from a unique place on a unique path. One of my core beliefs is that all paths lead up the mountain. I deeply value the insight others bring, and I only ask the same respect in return for my own path.
Overwhelmingly, the people I’ve met along the way have been those who, much like me, walked away from a rigid, one-pointed belief where they were taught to accept a particular ideology completely and put all others into a pile labeled “evil.” Not “unimportant,” or “useless,” or even “rejected.” “Evil.” The evangelicalism of my youth taught me that if I was not 100% pro-Jesus as they understood him, then I was worse than neutral; I was on Satan’s payroll and guided by demons.
It takes a lot to shake that. So those of us who do and then find each other are often immensely grateful to have encountered kindred spirits. And because the deconstruction has included an opening of the heart and mind to the beauty in so many spiritual paths, this group is usually quite diverse. While often eschewing specific labels, most of my spiritual tribe tends to be those who take inspiration and comfort in Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, Paganism, Sikhism, Wicca, and whatever other path one might add to the mix.
But here’s where it gets weird. A couple of times, rarely and randomly, someone will come into my circle, usually a younger person, who displays great open-mindedness and a natural bent toward the esoteric and mystical. About the time I’m thinking, “oh, how wonderful it would be to have been that free so young,” they post something to social media announcing their conversion to Christianity. And then it builds. They post more and more. Eventually, they share pictures of the mega-church they now belong to. Instead of the latest Tik-Tok dance, they’re now posting Bible verses.
Now that, in and of itself, is wonderful. All paths lead up the mountain, and if this is their path, then I’m so happy they’ve found it. The rub comes, though, when they’ve bought in so completely that their posts begin condemning all other paths. New Christian converts seem to pass into the “I’ve got to save everyone from hell” phase quite quickly.
They’ve moved from joy to condemnation without skipping a beat, which makes an awkward dance-move.
In full disclosure, I’ve seen this happen twice in 40+ years, so we’re not talking about a tsunami here. I often find that people who open their minds rarely close them again. And for fear I am misunderstood, let me emphasize that the closing of the mind is not in converting to Christianity; it’s in the off-putting and judgmental sense of spiritual superiority that sometimes accompanies it.
I’m curious about their path. I wonder if this will stick or a more expansive appreciation will return for them. I wonder what the twists and turns will do to them in the dark nights of the soul they are undoubtedly yet to experience — not because they’re Christian but because they’re babies. I wonder if they will ever again have a moment of darkness in which they see light coming from a Rumi poem or a Buddhist idea or a new moon. I wonder if they’ll leave room for the mystic Yeshua, the Jesus of the Gnostics.
So many places they will go. So many miles down the path that is theirs to trod.
I don’t judge their path. I wish them well on it. I wish them eyes that see and ears that hear. I wish them peace and freedom. I wish them an experience of the Sacred that renders them speechless and transformed. I wish them enlightenment, nirvana, moksha, even if they only ever call it sanctification.
Mostly, I pray they will see the Jesus they love as a champion for compassion rather than a measuring stick for judgment.



