How much room should we give people who hold and express principles that violate our own?
This sounds like an easy question, but like most things worth discussing,it can be more abstract. What do we mean by “room”? Which people, exactly? How dramatic are the differences in principle? Do we have any hope in being a positive influence on one another?
What about the co-worker who holds political opinions you don’t care for? No biggie. Give a wide berth, don’t talk about that stuff at work, smile and nod. Easy peasy.
But what about the dear friend whose position wasn’t known to you while you were building what felt like a promising relationship, and then out of their mouth comes an intolerance that is at first stunning and then quickly evolves into a true conundrum? Where’s the deal-killer line? What are you willing to put up with? When does your presence become a silent approval? It’s hard to have a dear friend that you have to treat like an office co-worker with certain topics off-limits. That seems to inherently limit the friendship.
Everyone has to determine the line for themselves, but I believe some important considerations can be helpful guides.
The first consideration is around harm and safety. Obviously, if it feels unsafe, hightail it on outta there.
The second consideration concerns the capacity for dialogue. Are you able to have worthwhile and meaningful dialogue around this subject with your friend? If not, well, how delicately do you want to have to dance every time you see them?
The third consideration is your own energy. You have the right to protect it, and if the friendship is becoming energetically exhausting for you because of this conflict, then you might need to step back.
There is a fourth consideration I want to add that is especially important to me — if any of these would apply to a person not present, consider how important your advocacy role is to you. For me, the line has always been clear. If someone maintains a position steeped in bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, or racism, I don’t share space with them. Period.
James Baldwin once said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” I would add that we can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in anyone’s oppression, the denial of anyone’s humanity, or the denial of anyone’s right to exist.
My approach may not work for everybody, and it’s probably a good thing it doesn’t. We need people who stay in the fray and have the argument. We need people who ease folks around to a new idea without being so absolute. I appreciate those folks. I need them because I can’t be them.
But I’m an Aries. We’re weird that way.
Deb Moore 