Tag: Principles

Principled Retreat

~ Deb ~ Leave a comment

How much room should we give people who hold and express principles that violate our own?  

This sounds like an easy question, but like most things worth discussing,it can be more abstract.  What do we mean by “room”? Which people, exactly? How dramatic are the differences in principle? Do we have any hope in being a positive influence on one another? 

What about the co-worker who holds political opinions you don’t care for? No biggie.  Give a wide berth, don’t talk about that stuff at work, smile and nod.  Easy peasy. 

But what about the dear friend whose position wasn’t known to you while you were building what felt like a promising relationship, and then out of their mouth comes an intolerance that is at first stunning and then quickly evolves into a true conundrum?  Where’s the deal-killer line?  What are you willing to put up with?  When does your presence become a silent approval?  It’s hard to have a dear friend that you have to treat like an office co-worker with certain topics off-limits.  That seems to inherently limit the friendship. 

Everyone has to determine the line for themselves, but I believe some important considerations can be helpful guides. 

The first consideration is around harm and safety.  Obviously, if it feels unsafe, hightail it on outta there.  

The second consideration concerns the capacity for dialogue.  Are you able to have worthwhile and meaningful dialogue around this subject with your friend?  If not, well, how delicately do you want to have to dance every time you see them? 

The third consideration is your own energy.  You have the right to protect it, and if the friendship is becoming energetically exhausting for you because of this conflict, then you might need to step back.  

There is a fourth consideration I want to add that is especially important to me — if any of these would apply to a person not present, consider how important your advocacy role is to you.  For me, the line has always been clear.  If someone maintains a position steeped in bigotry, misogyny, homophobia, xenophobia, or racism, I don’t share space with them. Period. 

James Baldwin once said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.”  I would add that we can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in anyone’s oppression, the denial of anyone’s humanity, or the denial of anyone’s right to exist. 

My approach may not work for everybody, and it’s probably a good thing it doesn’t.  We need people who stay in the fray and have the argument.  We need people who ease folks around to a new idea without being so absolute.  I appreciate those folks.  I need them because I can’t be them.  

But I’m an Aries.  We’re weird that way. 

True North

~ Deb ~ Leave a comment

A satisfied life requires a few basic elements — love that is undefinable, work that compels, time for whatever expands us, and music, always music.  We could crawl around on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Need and toss in shelter, security, and self-esteem, but let’s not go crazy here.

Another core element to a satisfied life is one that often gets overlooked: one or more guiding principles.  Guiding principles are often seen as a requirement for living a good life or a moral life (whatever that is).  The satisfied life, however, is more readily connected with items that fill or nurture us — love, work, time, music — rather than that which directs us.

Guiding principles are the border collies of the spiritual journey.  They nip at our heels when we wander too far into the land of compromise.  They outrun us and come up on our blindside every time we try to turn a different direction.  They guide us into the safety of the barn every night . . . if we let them.

In this age of labels, we can become deluded into believing that the groups with which we identify can provide some of the above services.  But the lines aren’t as clear anymore.   In his essay Self-Reliance, Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, “If I know your sect, I can anticipate your argument.”  But, I’m not so sure that’s as true as it used to be.  Does Christian mean what it used to?  Does Democrat?  Single?  Southern?  Race?

Being a Democrat or a Republican might not guide me to do what is right and good and true, but a principle will.  One of my principles, for instance, is an abiding belief in the equality and unity of all people.  Because of that, I stand against racism, sexism, ageism, homophobia, xenophobia, religious intolerance, etc.  I don’t have to make a decision on each of those.  I don’t have to consult a party platform or a church tenet.  I simply have to establish my principle and every decision after that flows with ease.

In an era of fake news and fallacious rhetoric, we need personal principles more than ever. I mean, what if, just what if, we decided that one of our guiding principles was the idea that loving one another was more important than politics?   What if, just what if, we decided that our shared humanity was higher up the priority list than our religious differences?  And what if, just what . . . if . . . , we decided that honoring and respecting each other was more important than winning a damn election?

That just might be . . . satisfying.