In the water, I am
12 again. Or maybe 25
or 40, but younger.
Definitely younger.
I float in weightlessness,
my face just above the
surface. My head tilts
to the right, and the water
is at my eye, lapping at
the lashes, rising and
falling against my cheek,
the recognition of an old
friend.
I tilt my head back until
only the blowhole of my
mouth feels the breeze. I take
a breath and sink, turn,
glide, rest my tummy on the
bottom, twirl again with rudder
arms and duck paddle feet,
look up at filtered sun,
remembering the summers
of childhood, diving
for pennies, rocking
the inner tube,
handstands.
Water remembers. Water feels
what I have known, where I have
been. It is an intimate friend,
welcoming me back, holding
me up, carrying so much of
the weight of me.
Tag: memory
I’ll be seeing you . . .
. . . in all the old familiar places, that this heart of mine embraces all day through. You know the song. It was written in 1938 by Sammy Fain and Irving Kahal, and it was recorded by just about everybody – Billie Holliday, Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, even as recently as 2020 by Norah Jones. It became wildly popular during World War II when it so perfectly captured the inner longings of those separated from ones they loved.
When the pandemic began . . . I was in India. Jaipur, India, to be precise, in the state of Rajasthan. It was my second time in India. On both trips, I had taken students for study abroad. We had ridden on rickshaws through Old Delhi, visited the place where Gandhi was assassinated, walked in and around the magnificent Taj Mahal, . . . but the part of India that reached into my heart was Jaipur.
If you’ve ever watched the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel movies, first and second, then you’ve seen Jaipur. Most of the filming for those movies was done there.
When I think of Jaipur, yes, I think of the bazaar and the Hawa Mahal or Wind Palace and the Amber Fort, those places that tourists tend to go. But those things only come to mind. The parts of Jaipur that live in my heart are the drums of Rajasthani music, the ever-present incense, the mounds of marigolds at the flower market, the cold soft marble of the floor in my room at Ikaki Niwas, the smells of the dal and chapattis and samosas coming from the kitchen, that spring night when my friends and I ate outdoors under the stars just 24 hours past the full moon of Holi.
And, of course, the people — both the ones I know and have grown to love, and the countless, nameless ones in the shops and on the street and driving tuk-tuks and pedaling rickshaws and selling mutton tikka on the sidewalk and waiting for the curtain to be pulled away and the god to be revealed at the temple, and putting sandalwood paste on my forehead in welcome, and bowing slightly with the prayer hands of a thousand Namastes.
That is the Jaipur that this heart of mine embraces.
And just last night, without warning, for no reason, I was there. I mean, I was in my house in the United States, but for a split second, I was distinctly and absolutely in Jaipur. It stays with me still. I could close my eyes right now and feel the marble and smell the incense and hear the drums.
The English Romantic poet, William Wordsworth, wrote about this phenomenon in several of his poems – the power of memory, the realness of memory, the way a reminiscence can hide in our spirit until it is called upon, either by our conscious mind or something that lives buried underneath it, and then it’s there. Because once the experience has been ours, it is always ours.
Wordsworth wrote a poem called “I Wandered Lonely as a Cloud,” but it’s also known as “Daffodils.” The first three stanzas describe a field filled with thousands of daffodils by a lake. The last eight lines of the poem summarize the poet’s gratitude for this encounter. They go like this:
I gazed — and gazed — but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought.
For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
I hope to return to Jaipur one day. To walk among the marigolds. To see my friends again. To bow in reverence at the temple. But until I do, Jaipur, I’ll be looking at the moon, but I’ll be seeing you.
The Middle Age
I have a predilection for melancholy, a generous bent toward nostalgia, and I surrender completely to isolated flashes of memory in the gloaming. I’ve spent hours in meditation, bending toward the present, then settling into a place of peaceful nothingness in the moment. I’ve loved so many ways, the love of blood, and the love of heart, and the love of so much more and so much less. I’ve aged into a life I like, a daily rhythm that fits a soul like mine, that craves both experience and time to write it. I am middle-aged, no longer a tree climber or a speed demon, no longer willing to play fast and loose with your heart or mine. I have learned the lessons of my time, and I have become less of what I wanted and more of what I needed, and I’m happy. But sometimes in the half-light of dusk (one can’t meditate every moment) I think of days long gone, and I remember you.
© 2020 Deb Moore, All Rights Reserved


